An open apology to my oldest daughter ...

I have three children who are the light of my life, my reason for being, and a daily reminder of God's grace upon me (for which I am most truly not deserving).  However, I would be lying to myself if I didn't state that the last year has come with its share of obstacles after our third child was born.  While even as a child myself I always dreamt of a large family, I never knew the stress that would come from having three kids that were three years and younger, and the pressure and guilt I would feel that somehow I was failing to give them all the adequate attention and love that they needed and deserved. ....

This leads me to the topic of my current post, my oldest daughter. 

My first child (our oldest daughter) was born in the morning on a Thursday in 2009, because even though we had set an induction date for her that day, she showed us early on that she makes her own rules, and I went into labor at midnight the night BEFORE her scheduled induction date.  I knew then that she was destined to be the "first born", because even as a young child she has shown the ambition, leadership, and confidence that psychologists are always preaching about when debating birth order philosophies.  Being a first born daughter myself, it is her willfulness that I most admire about her (which coincidentally drives me utterly insane on any given day), because I see myself directly coming through in her personality.  However, it is this independence that she exhibits that makes me forget an important fact about her ... Even though she has an abundance of talents (most of which haven't even come to light yet) she is still only four years old.  She is not physically capable of making her own decisions, nor should she be, and she is still looking to me for guidance and support, of which I feel every day that I am lacking in providing her.

So today of all days, I have decided to adamantly apologize to her for not being there when she has needed me.  For not realizing that even though she is not a baby like our youngest, she still needs cuddles. ... For not recognizing that even though she is old enough to walk when we go to the store (unlike her two year old brother), she still likes to be carried, or at the very least enjoys holding my hand ... For scolding her for making a mess when she was feeling the the need to be creative ... For not letting her play when she was feeling the need to be silly... For not acknowledging the "treasures" she brought home from school (albeit heavily resemble trash), because I was too busy tending to her crying baby sister ... For not listening more intently to her story about how she got to dance to "Frozen" during dance class, and how the teacher allowed her to be the one to turn off the lights for the big "performance", because I was trying to keep her brother from giving his food to our dog under the table.  ... For all of the "just one second[s]", "in a minute[s]," and "not right now[s]", I am so very sorry, and I truly apologize from the bottom of my heart.

So far you don't seem to be holding a grudge against me for my shortcomings as a mother, and I desperately hope you can continue to show the compassion you have shown your first four years of life well into adulthood.  I hope you realize when you are a grown women, with a family of your own, that I was doing my best to balance my life as a career woman, wife, and mother.  I hope you understand the fears I faced regarding falling short of your expectations, and am proud of me for how I handled (or attempted to handle) the struggles of life as a working mom of three little ones.  Last but not least, I hope you know that I love you (and your siblings) something fierce, and the biggest reward, and most fulfilling duty I have found in life, has been being awarded the title of your mother.